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Fri January 17, 2014
You Can Now Send Someone You Temporarily Like A 'Bachelor' Bouquet
It's Friday, so let's take a moment to consider the greatest press release of the week. (And by "greatest," I mean "most ridiculous." As always.)
Today, I learned that ProFlowers is now officially offering a bouquet of roses called "The Bachelor Bouquet." It's ... it's a bouquet inspired by The Bachelor. There are roses (obviously), and there are a few rhinestones spread throughout, which will remind you of the large number of broken engagements that this show has inspired. It would be better if the rhinestones came with their own tiny trashcans into which you could hurl them when you broke up, but whatever. A rhinestone is a rhinestone, in all the good and bad ways.
The promo copy says that with this bouquet, people can — in the words of ProFlowers general manager Bill Patterson — "send a symbol of what the rose ceremony represents to their loved ones through the new bouquet."
I like to keep my suggestions humble, even when I am making them regarding The Bachelor, so I would like to humbly suggest that they create some pre-printed cards that you can send to your beloved that will enhance the rose-ceremony-inspired sentiment.Here, I'll get them started.
1. "Of all the women I have taken on fake dates this week, you are one of the ones I'm not firing."
2. "You've come a long way since the night we met, when you were so drunk."
3. "I knew the moment you came up to me with a stuffed moose in one hand and a disco ball hanging from your forehead that you had probably always kind of wanted to be on television."
4. "Thank you for not telling America during any of your interviews that I am a bad kisser who kind of leads with a lot of lower lip. I'm working on it."
5. "Jennifer B., I love you. Possibly even more than I love Jennifer R."
6. "You don't have to wear that much makeup, but I guess it's okay."
7. "It means a lot to me that you love me for me, and not just because they made me wax my chest, because frankly, when this is all over, I'd kind of like to stop."
8. "Roses are red, violets are blue, COMING UP, THE END OF THIS POEM."
9. "We have a connection, assuming you haven't had too many boyfriends because I think that's gross, no offense."
10. "My mother always told me I should give a woman flowers. I admit that the rest of this, she probably wouldn't be all that into."
11. "I'm tentatively keeping you here in the hopes that you can prove to me that you are here because you are truly, honestly committed to me and are deeply serious about it, because the other 13 of the girls wait I meant ladies are pretty serious about me and that's important."
12. "I figured it would be nice to get you flowers, since you probably can't afford them since you don't have a job. (I mean, I hope you don't have a job, since if you win, you have to move. LOL!)"
13. "No contract is express or implied from any result that 'eenie meenie'-style 'loves me loves me not' might lead to."
14. "I totally gave one of these to that cute production assistant with the tattoo. Carpe diem and whatnot."
15. "I can imagine having a real future with you, final-episode-of-the-season-wise."
16. "You're tall!"
17. "Pharmaceutical means you take care of chickens and stuff, right?"
18. "I very much enjoyed our spelunking date when you pointed out the
stalac stalag stalle cave icicles."
19. "I really like you, and for now, I don't even mind how old you are. That will probably change, but if anyone knows the importance of seizing the moment, it should be you."
20. "I'm almost positive you're 'Brooke.'"